the405club:

No doubt, unemployment wreaks havoc and plays with your head in damaging ways.

Over time, as an employment specialist, I have observed that many who seek new work become trampled by the horses of the Job Search Apocalypse. I realize it’s not fair or accurate to judge and paint an entire unemployed population with the same brush, as there are mitigating circumstances surrounding the economy and the number of jobs lost. Current reports fluctuate and are enough to paralyze anybody who loses a job. But some of the self deprecating and self defeating characteristics emerge time after time that they could easily form a course entitled, “How to Lack Luster 101.”

Many people unwittingly or unknowingly sabotage their job search success in little ways. The same profile of hopelessness and apathy repeatedly seems to emerge. While reality dictates massive changes in the world of business, don’t give up trying to find work.

Please make sure that you develop the following healthy job search characteristics as it is your only hope to combat the demons of unemployment:

1.       Show Initiative. Do you feel like a sitting duck in a penny arcade? Are you stuck in the self pity mode? Do you feel unmotivated with no sense of urgency? It astounds me as to the huge amount of time that passes between meeting someone, providing them with tools, assisting them with ideas, and the time it takes for that person to get back to me. Often weeks go by and I have to first regroup to try and remember that person. People get used to being unemployed and it becomes a whole new culture, a way of life.

Work with me! I want to help you!

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“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.”

-Tina Fey

Gotta look good for those holiday parties…